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Trust and renunciation.

Many years ago I lost the  sense of a personal god. The divine presence that was once the most evident and natural mode of my being was replaced by the fear of loosing the chance to be free.

How ironic it is that my fear itself turned out to be the cage I could not then escape.

I never realized the flaws of my rational thinking and equivocally I believed my rational soul to be the only instrument for the perception of truth.

At right now at the pivotal crossroad between heart and rational soul I have to answer the riddle that will take me wherever next goes.

What world do you live in?

Is it a world where there is something bigger than my willing force going on?

Or is it a world where our luck and chances determine the go?

And I guess the answer depends of who I wanna be. Whose character in which story calls my heart and ignites my soul.

A world where something bigger than myself guides me, makes me the funnel of the powerful energy that keeps the sun and the moon looping with certainty since the beginning of time. It also means that I could succeed in life besides having no courage, or strength  or control because all of that streams through me from this amazing source. It means that ‘I’, a meaningless scared little being in the chaos of this cruel reality not need to worry for this force guides ‘my’ path to where inevitably it will go.

As good as it sounds, it’s so difficult to renaunce.

The other world I think comes easier nowadays because the ‘I’ rules and somehow it seems easier to think that if I work hard enough I could figure shit out, I could rise to the top, I can be brave and strong, and at the end all good things will be thanks to ME.

This path is also hard, the egotistical confidence required seems not be natural to me. I cannot consistently feel like I got all it takes to win this world.

The mere thought of not being adequate sometimes crushes me under a paralysis I can barely endure.

I’m a coward who wants glory, and you cannot be both.

So to what world do I belong to?

I pledge my reason to leave the rains and let me renounce. Tomorrow I’ll think more.


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